My SoCalled Life
by UA
Summary: Another year at Harmony High. Sequel to School Daze. UPDATED 12/29/02
1. Default Chapter

1 Disclaimer: I don't own the characters I write about. They belong to JER and NBC.  
  
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3 Sequel to School Daze. You may want to read that one first. ; )  
  
  
  
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12 Chapter 1  
  
  
  
  
  
She was having the best dream…  
  
Senior Trip. 2001. She and Reese in the tropics.  
  
She looked down at her attire. Coconut shells weren't exactly her style. But Reese looked awfully yummy in that palm leaf. Good enough to eat, she thought. Licking her lips as she reached out a hand to touch him. His blue eyes sparkled at her. And he leaned forward. Slowly…slowly…they were just about to kiss when…  
  
"Damn alarm clock!" she swore. Slamming it against the wall farthest from her.  
  
"Kay!" Jessica squealed. Barely ducking in time. That throw had some heat behind it.  
  
"Sorry," Kay grumbled. Popping one brown eye open. "I take that back," she retracted. Seeing her kid sister looming over her with a scowl on her face. Rollers in her hair. "What are you doing wearing my brand-new shirt?" she growled. Half-rolling, half-lunging out of the twin bed.  
  
Jessica stuck her tongue out at her and darted to the relative safety of the outside hall. "Charity borrowed mine."  
  
"So?" Kay shrugged her shoulders. Glaring at her annoying kid sis as she darted down the hall to escape her considerable wrath. Failing to see the logic in THAT statement. "Klepto," she grumbled. Grabbing her robe from the hook on the back of the door and padding down the hall.  
  
"Good morning, Kay," Charity smiled sweetly as she passed her on the way to the bathroom. "Isn't it a beautiful day?" she wrapped her arms around herself and started twirling around.  
  
"Blech," Kay rolled her eyes. "Gag me, Pollyanna," she muttered under her breath as her cousin made a complete and utter fool of herself.  
  
Yeah. That's abso-freakin-lutely right. Cousin. C-O-U-S-I-N.  
  
Her mother and Charity's mother. Long-lost sisters.  
  
She understood they had a lot to catch up on…  
  
But to swoop in and take over their house like they did…  
  
It was like a Martian Invasion, she thought. Yanking back the shower curtain and twisting the knobs.  
  
"WHAT THE…HOLY $#!&…YOU'RE DEAD! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"  
  
BBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!  
  
"But Jessica," Charity sniffled. Wiping at the fat tears that spilled from her pale blue eyes. "I was only in the shower for 30 minutes."  
  
"It's okay," Jessica soothed. Rubbing Charity's back comfortingly. "Kay's just not a morning person. That's all."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Kay," Simone held a restraining hand on her friend's arm when she saw Charity and her sister pass by them in the hall.  
  
Kay rolled her eyes at Simone. "PUH-LEAZE, Simone," she shook her head. "As if I'd even…touch a hair on their Disney-warped brains. Pollyanna and Crack-Shirley will get theirs. If I have to get up every morning at 5 a.m. for the rest of the year, they'll get theirs. Only 30 minutes! Only 30 minutes! Try an hour."  
  
"Crack-Shirley?" Simone said in a confused voice as she followed Kay down the hall.  
  
"The curls, Simone," Kay sighed. "They're wound up so tight, I'm surprised Jessica's voice isn't coming out sounding like Minnie Mouse's. Shirley Temple on CRACK," she finally spelled it out for her.  
  
"Oh no! That's just awful!" a pimply-faced freshman with braces and blond pigtails gasped in horror. Bursting into tears. "Shirley Temple…a drug addict."  
  
"Tell me we didn't use to be THAT stupid," Simone pleaded.  
  
"Simone!" Kay shouted. "Of course we were," she lowered her voice. "That's what elementary school and parents do to you. Totally and profoundly mess you up."  
  
"We were so lame," Simone lamented. "Why didn't somebody tell us?"  
  
Kay ignored her. Lips twisting into a wicked smile as she read the gigantic banner draped across the new trophy case.  
  
"WELCOME TO HARMONY HIGH, STUDENTS."  
  
In fine print at the bottom someone had written in bold red letters… "A nicer, safer place with the departure of Harmony's own Lethal Weapon." A surprisingly good caricature of Theresa dominated the banner—tears and ruined make-up to boot.  
  
"I so have to meet the artist," Kay grinned. "That is the most magnificent piece of art I've ever seen."  
  
"Whatever," Simone shrugged her shoulders. "Come on, Kay. You don't want to be late for homeroom the first day, do you?"  
  
Kay glanced down at her schedule and looked back up at Simone with an evil glint in her dark eyes. "Of course not. See you at lunch," she waved as she scurried down the hall.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
"Mrs. Lopez-Fitzgerald! Yoohoo! Mrs. Lopez-Fitzgerald!" she waved a hand in front of Sheridan's face.  
  
The goofy smile never left Sheridan's pink smudged lips.  
  
Kay rolled her eyes. Newlyweds. Well…it HAD been almost 3 months already, but apparently the honeymoon still wasn't over. Not as far as she could tell. She had a pretty good idea where the rest of Sheridan's lipstick was.  
  
Last week the happy couple had gotten kicked out of WAL-MART. Pity, too. It was Ms. Crane…er, Mrs. Lopez-Fitzgerald's first trip.  
  
"Just thought you'd like to know," she said with a nonchalant toss of her head. "I was waiting in line for confessional last week, and get this—NO, I wasn't eavesdropping 'cause Prince Charles could have heard her sobs way over in England—The Terminator and Edumb are expecting sextuplets."  
  
"OH MY GOD!"  
  
"Knew that would get you," she snickered. "That's one hell of a scary thought, isn't it?"  
  
"Kay Bennett!" Sheridan held a hand to her chest. "Are you TRYING to kill me?"  
  
"How else was I going to get your attention? Remembering the quickie you had this morning?" she teased devilishly.  
  
Sheridan blushed scarlet and swatted her away. "My sex life is NONE of your business."  
  
Kay laughed all the way to her desk.  
  
"WHAT are YOU doing here? Oh God. Please…I don't know if I have the strength…" Sheridan raised her blue eyes to the stars, er…ceiling.  
  
"You're really on top of things, aren't you?"  
  
Sheridan blushed an even deeper hue of red.  
  
"UGH! More information than I needed to know," she muttered under her breath. "I'm in your homeroom. You haven't even given a moment's thought to…Forget it. You got 5 minutes, or they're going to eat you alive."  
  
The bell rang just a second later, and the day officially began.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
Sheridan buried her face in her hands and released a huge sigh of relief the moment the last bell of the day rang.  
  
Hell. Pure and absolute hell.  
  
If she couldn't take 8 hours away from Luis, how was she ever going to survive if he had to take an assignment out of town?  
  
"Miss the ole ball and chain that bad?" Kay asked. Taking a seat on the edge of her desk.  
  
Sheridan raised weary blue eyes to Kay's face. "Homeroom. AND last period French."  
  
"Oh, but Mrs. Lopez-Fitzgerald," Kay mock-pouted. "I love you."  
  
Sheridan rolled her eyes and rose from her seat.  
  
Kay picked up the smallest of the three silver frames on Sheridan's desk. "The AA poster child! She's getting so big! Would you listen to me?" she cracked. "Getting…the kid had a 5 pound head-start! Is it Brandy or Champagne?"  
  
Sheridan snatched the picture from Kay's hands. "That's my niece you're talking about. Brandy's much more…NORMAL."  
  
"No fair," Kay grumbled. "You got the pic **I** asked for! Hey! Are you PMS-ing?" she asked when Sheridan took the picture of Hank and Gwen decked out in their leis and grass skirts from their Hawaiian honeymoon.  
  
"Kay, my sweet," Reese called from the doorway. "Hey, Ms. Crane…I mean, Mrs. Lopez-Fitzgerald," he corrected himself quickly. "Kay…want to grab some coffee at the Book Café?"  
  
"Sure," Kay grinned. "We'll finish this later," she shot over her shoulder at Sheridan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
"Yuck! Reese! I think I'm going to be sick!" Kay grabbed her stomach as she caught sight of Harmony's witless couple.  
  
Theresa stared at Ethan through half slits. Her eyelids drooping from the force of her pink and purple sparkly eyeshadow. The faces of Angelica, Tommy, and Chuckie stretched across her bosom in a fearful display—they looked monstrous!  
  
Ethan held her hand to his lips. Kissing each finger.  
  
"Ethan! They're not dry yet!" Theresa shrieked.  
  
Kay snickered evilly. "Do you think their brain cell hops from host to host? Kind of like a flea?" she quizzed Reese as he pulled her chair out for her.  
  
Reese pretended to ponder it. "I think what they're experiencing now," he said. Nodding to the cherry slurpee with two straws sticking up out of it. "…is a brain freeze."  
  
The bells at the front chimed, and Kay groaned when the Toothache Twosome put in their requisite appearance. Thank goodness for small miracles she smiled as they walked past without a second glance.  
  
The bells chimed again, and Kay's jaw dropped to the floor.  
  
"Dirty Old Man," she blinked her eyes. With a stroller!  
  
All eyes turned to the front when the pudgy little blue-green eyed tot let out an ear-splitting wail.  
  
They watched in disbelief as Julian unbuckled the baby from the contraption and thrust her at her brother. "Here. She's all yours," he said simply. Waltzing out of the Book Café as quickly as he'd came.  
  
Kay shook her head as Theresa's brown eyes welled up with jealous tears, and she stomped off to the ladies room.  
  
The Terminator couldn't take a bit of competition from a 3-month-old. Just another reason in a long list…  
  
Just another day in Harmony.  
  
Just another day in my so-called life, she thought to herself as she took a careful sip of her latte. Just another day… 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
  
  
Theresa gulped in great breaths of air as sob after sob tore from her lips. It wasn't fair. "It's not fair," she cried. Flinging the bathroom stall open without another thought in her head.  
  
"My heavens!" a little old lady exclaimed. Waddling out of the stall with her pantyhose around her ankles. "Oh dear," she fretted as she got a closer look at her 'assailant.'  
  
Theresa's mascara run in black rivers down her cheeks.  
  
"Young people these days," she shook her head. Scurrying out the bathroom door.  
  
Theresa yanked the stall door closed and leaned her head against the wall.  
  
"Lethal Weapon," Kay pushed the door open cautiously. "Lethal Weapon…are you in here?"  
  
The suspicious shaking of the stall separating the two toilets offered definitive proof her theory was correct.  
  
She hopped up on the bathroom counter. Kicking her feet back and forth. A gleeful expression on her face. This COULD be fun. "Ethan and Brandy are SO cute together."  
  
A sniffle from the bathroom stall made the smile on her face stretch even wider.  
  
"Ethan's so far gone…the kid is so full of gas she's about to blow a gasket. He thinks she's smiling. That she loves him. But we know the truth, don't we Terrorcita?"  
  
Another sniffle. Followed by a very faint, "What's that?"  
  
The bathroom stall cracked open. Inch by precious inch.  
  
Obviously the play on words was lost on her. What was she saying? OF COURSE, it was. "She's using him for food. But I'm afraid poor wittle Ethan doesn't realize that. I think it's better someone let him down easy. Before he starts having delusions the kid likes him or something. Don't you? Don't you think you should show him who really loves him? And we all know who that person is."  
  
"Me," Theresa trembled. "That person is me. And you're right, Kay. Ethan has to know. It's all an act. She's just using him. I'm the one that REALLY loves him," she said.  
  
Kay bit the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning. The girl was just TOO easy. And off her rocker.  
  
Theresa crossed the bathroom in two or three strides. And it was then Kay noticed…  
  
"Um…Theresa," she got her attention.  
  
There was a wad of toilet paper six feet long stuck (via bubblegum, no doubt—bless all the bratty seven-year-olds in the world!) to the bottom of Theresa's chunky heel.  
  
The rather vocal little devil on Kay's shoulder drowned out all the angel's desperate pleas to be nice. Just this once. And Kay's dark eyes sparkled mischievously as she answered with a small half-smile, "Oh…nothing important. Go get him," she encouraged. Shuddering when Theresa smiled at her in thanks.  
  
They didn't make Halloween masks THAT scary.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
"This is a stick-up," a low, feminine voice whispered in his ear. Sending shivers up and down his spine.  
  
"Should I hold up my hands?" he asked. A grin playing on his lips.  
  
"You stole my next line," she grumbled. "Hostages aren't supposed to be so cooperative. Neither are husbands for that matter," she smiled.  
  
"Well…" he raised a brow at her as she walked in front of him to take a seat on the edge of his desk. "Not many husbands have wives as sexy as I do. But if you want me to put up more of a fight," he smirked, "I'm all for it. Fighting CAN be…fun."  
  
"Really?" she asked. Twisting the rings on her fingers around and around.  
  
"Really," he told her. "Making up is the best part," he grinned. Giving her bare ankle a playful tug. "We haven't had a good fight yet, have we?"  
  
"You have a point," she said. Her blue eyes twinkling back at him. "Have I told you lately how much I…HATE you?"  
  
Luis chuckled under his breath as Quinlan's head snapped around. Pretty good impression of Linda Blair. Been watching "The Exorcist" lately? "You make me so sick," he growled.  
  
"Ugh! I can't stand to look at you," she shrilled. Her blue eyes flashing with anger.  
  
"The feeling's mutual," he shot back. His dark eyes black with feigned anger. And desire. Damn. He was so turned on right now…  
  
Quinlan and Silvano snickered in the background. "I guess the Honeymoon's finally over. You owe me 50," Quinlan told Silvano.  
  
Sheridan's cheeks flushed with color as she played the part. "I'm going home. Sure. It's your JOB. See how warm your job keeps you when you go home to that big…cold…empty bed," she jabbed him in the chest. "You know where to find me," she whispered with a wink.  
  
He watched her stalk out of the police station with regret. He still had almost an hour left on his shift.  
  
"What's the matter, Lo-Fitz?" Quinlan quizzed in disbelief. "Aren't you going to go after her? I know pride's this big thing. But sometimes you have to bite the bullet. Especially when your wife looks like…"  
  
Luis's warning glare cooled his jets almost immediately.  
  
"Look," he cleared his throat awkwardly. "We'll cover your ass for you on this end. We can't make no promises on the homefront."  
  
"You really think I should go after her?" Luis pretended to be torn.  
  
"Yeah, Man," Silvano nodded his head. "Then there's the make-up sex…"  
  
Luis towered above both men menacingly. "I don't ever want to hear my wife and the word 'sex' from either of your mouths again. Clear?"  
  
Both men backed down.  
  
"I thought so," Luis grinned as he strode out the door. "Tell Sam the Johnson file's on my desk."  
  
"His ass is so fried," Quinlan laughed.  
  
"Whipped, Marty. Our dear friend is as whipped as they come," Silvano added his input. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Luis hurried along the sidewalks of Harmony. Intent on one thing and one thing only...  
  
Getting home to his beautiful wife.  
  
A hand caught him from behind, and Luis groaned.  
  
Busted!  
  
"Whoa! Wait a minute. Where do you think you're going? You do know it's a crime to look so happy, don't you?" Sam's blue eyes twinkled.  
  
But Luis could tell...this wasn't all fun and games. "Look, Sam. I..."  
  
Sam shook his head. "Not yet, you don't. I want you to check something out for me. An elderly lady called 9-1-1 from the Book Café. Said someone assaulted her..."  
  
"At the Book Café, Sam? I guess what they say is true. There's no place safe anymore."  
  
"Would you..."  
  
Luis smiled and gave his boss a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Sure thing."  
  
"Thanks," Sam grinned. "Well...I'm off."  
  
Luis's handsome features took on a look of such utter confusion...  
  
"Going home to that lovely wife of mine," Sam bragged. Shoving his hands in his pockets and walking away.  
  
"Sure," Luis called after him. "Rub it in. Might as well pour salt in the wound. Damn. Who the hell assaults a little old lady? In the Book Café no less?" he shook his head. And continued on his way.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Beth shook her head and blinked once, twice, three times as Theresa stumbled out of the bathroom.  
  
Was it just her imagination? Or did Theresa have a Guiness Book-worthy wad of toilet paper trailing after her as she lunged toward her and Ethan's table?  
  
"Excuse me!" a shrill voice yelled. "Excuse me! I ordered that coffee like 5 minutes ago."  
  
Beth plastered her fake smile carefully in place and turned to face the woman. "I'm so sorry for your inconvenience," she apologized through clenched teeth. "Your coffee," she said. Setting the steaming styrofoam cup down in front of the Zsa Zsa Gabor look-alike. "Would you care for anything else?"  
  
"Are you kidding?" Zsa Zsa huffed. "This place is worse than that wacko town on Passions. Come to think of it..." she tapped her chin with her index finger. "They DO have the same name. You haven't been wearing that ridiculous tie for 3 months, have you?" she scowled.  
  
"You can't be serious."  
  
"Never mind," Zsa Zsa said with a toss of her head. Catching a glimpse of a young couple that looked suspiciously like...Theresa and Ethan! Oh! The horror! "I really should get going. I'm late enough as it is."  
  
"Whatever," Beth shrugged her shoulders. "Some people..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ethan bounced his baby sister on his knee.  
  
"You know," Reese informed him. "I really don't think you should be doing that."  
  
Ethan looked at him dumbly.  
  
"Her brain's still...have you ever heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome? I just don't think you should be bouncing her so...vigorously," Reese winced. "But that's just me..." he trailed off. Rising from his seat to meet his girlfriend half-way.  
  
Ethan looked appropriately horrified as he gathered his gurgling baby sister close to his chest. How would he ever explain to Mother how he brain-damaged his baby sister?  
  
When he pulled back to look into Brandy's blue-green eyes, all he got was a blank stare. "Oh no," he whispered. "It's true."  
  
"Reese," Kay deadpanned. "We better bail while we can. A flash-flood has been forecast. Besides...hear that?"  
  
Reese's blue eyes twinkled at her.  
  
"That little cha-ching noise? That's our IQ's dropping steadily. Lethal Weapon's perfume is putting off dangerous fumes and depleting our smarts. I say we blow this joint."  
  
"After you, M'lady," Reese grinned. Holding out his arm.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"It was so awful, Officer," the elderly woman lamented. "I was sitting on the toilet, and..."  
  
"Mrs. Horton," Luis placed a consoling hand on her arm. If he weren't so anxious to get home to Sheridan, he might find this mildly amusing. "Why don't you just give me a description of your attacker?"  
  
"Okay," Mrs. Horton said in a shaky but sweet voice.  
  
"Male or female?" Luis took out his notepad.  
  
Mrs. Horton gave him a "what the hell?!" look. "I was in the ladies' restroom, Dear. Female."  
  
"Sorry," Luis apologized sheepishly. "Anything else?"  
  
"It was like some nightmare," Mrs. Horton shuddered. "Like she was demonically possessed," she confided. "She had black blood pouring from her eyes."  
  
Luis bit the inside of his cheek. Thank you, Sam, he thought. Demons. Psychos. Smartass grannies hiding behind bifocals and clutching knitting needles. "Did she physically attack you? Lay a hand on you?"  
  
"Why no! But I could have had a heart attack, Dear," she laughed nervously. "I don't want to meet my Maker yet. I have BINGO Thursday. There IS one other thing I just remembered!" she exclaimed. "She was screaming something like `EEEEEEEEEDDDUNNNN'. No. That wasn't it. It was more like `Edumb'. I'm sorry," she wrung her hands. "My hearing's not what it used to be," she said at the stricken look on his face.  
  
"Mrs. Horton," he closed his notepad. "I'll get right on it. As a matter of fact...something you said rang a bell."  
  
"Oh goodie!" Mrs. Horton clapped her hands together. "And when you find her, I want you to lock her ass up for a long time," she growled. Taking on a frightening snarl.  
  
Theresa, Luis groaned inwardly as he scurried inside the Book Café. Careful to make sure Mrs. Horton was nowhere to be found. Appearances certainly could be deceiving. "Hey Beth," he waved. "Have you seen Theresa?"  
  
Beth smiled at him. "Sorry, Luis. You just missed her. She and Ethan..."  
  
Luis was already out the door.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ethan juggled Brandy on his hip as he struggled to catch up with Theresa. Where had she gone? He couldn't see her anywhere, he thought. Panicking.  
  
Something white was flapping in the breeze.  
  
And while he stared at it trying to figure out what it was...it MOVED!  
  
Toilet paper! How embarrassing!  
  
He raced forward. The public humiliation was too awful to think about, and when he rounded the corner, he saw her. "THERESA!"  
  
"You love her more than me," Theresa wailed.  
  
"Mother?" Ethan's face scrunched up in thought.  
  
"YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER MORE THAN ME?!?!" Theresa screamed. Stomping her foot.  
  
Ethan's blue eyes were fixated on the toilet paper streaming in the air.  
  
"Ethan! Look at me!" Theresa demanded. Grabbing his face between both hands and forcing the issue.  
  
One look at Theresa's mascara-smudged face, and Brandy started screaming bloody murder.  
  
Luis rounded the corner with a relieved sigh. "Theresa! Ethan!" he yelled as he skidded to a stop beside Ethan. "What's...going...on...here?" he panted.  
  
"My life is over," Theresa trembled. "Over. Ethan and I are getting a divorce."  
  
"W-W-What?" Ethan stuttered. "Why? Because I said..."  
  
"He doesn't love me best," Theresa crumpled in Luis's arms. "I'm 3^rd best behind Mrs. Crane and the baby."  
  
"Actually..." Ethan corrected. "You're somewhere around 6^th or 7^th."  
  
Dear God in Heaven, Luis thought with a groan as his sister clutched handfuls of his police uniform. Smearing ruined makeup all over it. Well...at least Sheridan wouldn't think he was cheating on her. The pattern of the stains was classic Theresa.  
  
Brandy continued to shriek in Ethan's arms.  
  
"Ouch!" Ethan yelped when Luis pinched a plug out of the soft underskin of his arm. "Why'd you do that for?"  
  
`Fix it,' Luis mouthed with a glare.  
  
"Theresa, I'm sorry," Ethan said woefully. "I...I don't love Mother best. I don't love anyone better than you."  
  
"Promise?" Theresa sniffled. Relaxing the death grip she had on her brother's shirt.  
  
Luis carefully withdrew Brandy from Ethan's arms and put some distance between them and the quarreling couple as he tried to calm her tears.  
  
"Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye."  
  
"Eww!" Theresa scrunched her face up in disgust. "Ethan!"  
  
"What now?" he sighed. His head hurt. He was SO confused. "I love you, Theresa. You're my wife."  
  
Theresa's brown eyes melted, and she surged forward. Wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing so tight Ethan was sure he'd never breathe again.  
  
"Don't you feel much safer with Uncle Luis?"  
  
Brandy blinked back fat crystal tears, and her tiny fist waved in the air. Until Luis caught it and placed a gentle kiss there. Making her smile.  
  
"Oh my goodness! Ethan! Why didn't somebody tell me my make-up was ruined? I have to fix it! But I need something to..."  
  
Ethan knelt down and yanked the wad of toilet tissue from her shoe.  
  
Theresa took the paper with a mega-watt smile. "My hero."  
  
Luis and Brandy exchanged glances. "You're coming home with me, Kid. I think Aunt Sheridan will understand."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Luis shifted the gurgling baby to his other arm as he fitted the key in the lock.  
  
The door creaked open, and some low, sexy tune made him close his brown eyes in regret. "Sheridan! I'm home, Baby!"  
  
The music stopped, and he walked across the cozy living room into the kitchen. Tossing his keys on the counter. "Are you hungry? `Cause you look like you're hungry," Luis asked Brandy.  
  
Brandy's only response...  
  
A Babe-like grunt.  
  
Luis's lips twisted upward in a wry grin.  
  
"Luis...Mijo. It's your Mother. Are you in there?" Pilar called from the living room.  
  
"In the kitchen," Luis answered. Goodbye night of animalistic passion with the Missus, he thought with a groan.  
  
"YOU have the baby," Pilar sighed in relief. Taking Brandy from her son. "Your sister and Ethan called in hysterics. Ready to put out an APB."  
  
"Little Miss Crane has had quite an eventful day," Luis told her with a laugh. His little sister better be on some pretty damn good birth control. The world was NOT ready for her and Ethan to become parents.  
  
The lights in the living room dimmed, and Pilar shot a confused look his way. "Mijo? What's going on in there?"  
  
"Mama...Mama...Mama!"  
  
"DIOS MIO!"  
  
"Don't go in there," he groaned. Running after her.  
  
His wife...his gorgeous, sexy wife...wore little to nothing but a mortified smile on her lovely deathly pale face.  
  
"Welcome home," she whispered. Scanning the living frantically for...SOMETHING...to cover herself up.  
  
Luis couldn't help but crack a smile as his mother ducked her head and headed straight for the kitchen. Furiously making the sign of the cross and uttering words of prayer.  
  
He snagged the pair of handcuffs that dangled from the fingers of one of Sheridan's hands with a questioning look.  
  
"Role reversal," she told him weakly. "I thought you might like to be the bad guy THIS time. Oh God, Luis," she groaned. Burying her face in his chest. "I could just crawl up in a hole and die. Why does this ALWAYS happen to us? The look on her face...she thinks..."  
  
"She thinks right," he smirked.  
  
"Damn you," Sheridan grumbled. Rolling her blue eyes at him. "You think it's so funny. You're lucky I love you. And want you. And...Next time give me a warning," she hissed as she darted down the hall toward their bedroom.  
  
"So there WILL be a next time?" he teased as her blond head disappeared behind the door.  
  
Her muffled, "Shut up, Officer...before I arrest you" had him laughing out loud. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
"Mijo...do you think you could...Mrs. Crane isn't feeling well and Mr. Crane...the new arrival..."  
  
Luis stopped his mother's nervous fidgeting with a hand on her arm. "It's okay, Mama. Brandy can stay with us tonight..."  
  
"But Mijo," Pilar interrupted. A slight blush to her cheeks. "Your plans..."  
  
"Plans?" Luis repeated. "Oh," he coughed in embarrassment. "Those plans. Uh...Mama..."  
  
"We'd LOVE to keep the baby," Sheridan announced. Walking right up to Pilar and taking her niece from her arms.  
  
Luis chuckled at his two favorite ladies' refusal to meet each other's eyes. Until his wife shot him one of her withering, icy glares. THAT look said it all. The plans were on hold indefinitely. And...if he didn't know better...his mother was laughing at them as she turned for the door.  
  
"Thank you, Sheridan," Pilar called over her shoulder. "I left her diaper bag on the sofa. Mijo...walk me to my car and get the rest of her things..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Jessica trudged into the kitchen, dropped her bookbag in the nearest barstool, and propped her elbows on the kitchen counter.  
  
Her mother was whipping up a feast (and she used that term loosely) for dinner. Wisps of auburn hair curled around the rim of her big, floppy Chef Boyardee hat (a present from Dad last Christmas), and smudges of flour mingled with streaks of...something red.  
  
"Hi, Mom," she sighed.  
  
"Hi, Honey," Grace answered cheerfully. Whirling around to give her an air kiss. "How'd your first day go?"  
  
"Oh," Jessica smiled. "It was okay so far as first days go."  
  
"That's good, Honey," Grace replied absently. "I wonder what's keeping your aunt Faith..."  
  
"Nothing's keeping me," Faith said brightly. Arms laden with brown grocery bags. "Here you go...," she said. Setting the bags down on the counter carefully. "Is one of the girls sick or something?" she asked curiously. "What are you going to do with all these cans of tomato soup?"  
  
Jessica blanched. It was a Bennett family tradition on the first day of school. Oh, how she loathed tomato soup cake!  
  
Miguel and Charity strolled through the back door. Matching sweet, sappy smiles on their faces.  
  
"Miguel!" Grace clapped her hands together. "I'm so glad you're here! Would you like to stay for dinner?"  
  
Faith's blue eyes narrowed as Jessica waved her arms frantically behind Grace's back. Shaking her head wildly.  
  
"I'd love to Mrs. Bennett. Thanks."  
  
"SSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!"  
  
Jessica winced as her mother's voice ricocheted off the walls of the rather cozy kitchen.  
  
Maybe Kay was smarter than she'd given her credit for.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Reese grinned goofily as Kay nibbled on his neck. "Kay...Kay, we really shouldn't be doing this," he croaked as her hands slipped underneath his tee-shirt.  
  
Holy crap, Kay thought as her dark eyes went wide. Muscles! "Reese," she pouted. "Don't tell me...you don't like it when I..."  
  
"Of course, I li...LOVE it," he squeaked as her lips traveled along his jaw. Inching closer to his lips. If he'd still worn glasses...they'd be so fogged up right now.  
  
"Then what is it?" Kay questioned. Straddling his lap and making him groan. "Am I making you nervous?"  
  
Reese gulped. Nodding his head as he stammered, "Nnnnoooo. Nnnnooo...er, yes," he barked. Grabbing Kay's wandering hands in his.  
  
"Reese," Kay heaved a gigantic sigh. Real worry in her dark eyes as she shifted off his lap and curled up beside him on the sofa. "Do you not WANT to be with me?"  
  
Reese's blue eyes grew round as he rushed to reassure her. "But NOT here. We're not even supposed to be here..."  
  
"Oh puh-leaze," Kay rolled her eyes. "Ms. Crane has her own Love Shack with Officer Yummy now. Besides...nobody's using it. It's the perfect place for us...to...be...alone," she grinned suggestively as she crawled back into his lap.  
  
"Um...Kay...Kay," Reese shifted uncomfortably at her breath against his neck.  
  
"What, Reese?" Kay smiled against his skin at the touch of his hands.  
  
Reese's voice came out in a high squeak. "I don't think we're alone."  
  
"Thanks, Sherlock," a masculine voice dripping with amusement rang out. "I was beginning to think she'd never take the hint."  
  
Kay groaned and buried her face in the crook of Reese's neck. Was this payback for torturing Ms. Crane?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I need a drink. My kingdom for a drink!" Julian bellowed. His arm flung across his eyes as he fell back against his bed.  
  
"JULIAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED!" Ivy shrilled. Picking up the candlelabra on her nightstand and whacking him over the head with it.  
  
Julian cowered in the far corner of the bed. "Dear God...is there no safe haven in this mansion of lunatics?!"  
  
Ivy dropped the pewter candle-holder to the mattress. A thoughtful expression on her face as she considered her husband's words. Her daughter-in-law DID frighten her sometimes, and last week's shopping expedition for Brandy had presented some awful truths...her three-month-old's I.Q. was already higher than her former pride and joy.  
  
Hooked on Phonics had appealed greatly to her as a Christmas present for Ethan and his child bride.  
  
"I was only trying to be nice and `fatherly'," Julian cringed immediately after the word left his lips. "I never thought he'd take the offer seriously."  
  
Ivy rolled her blue-green eyes at him as she clutched her robe tighter about her waist. "Oh really, Julian. And what did you THINK he'd do? You, of all people, knew just how much Adrian detested that boarding school..."  
  
"Surely, you must realize, Dear," Julian scowled. "I NEVER in my wildest nightmares that he'd jump at the chance to finish his education here. At Harmony High, no less."  
  
"Poor Sheridan," Ivy sighed.  
  
"What? Poor Sheridan? What on God's green earth are you talking about? Poor US, Ivy. Poor US."  
  
"You nincompoop," Ivy rolled her eyes at him again. "I imagine your sister will be seeing much more of our son than we will, you ass."  
  
Julian's dark eyes lit up at the thought. "That's right, isn't it? He'll be at school most of the day. And after-school activities...Our delightful son won't actually be home much at all, will he?"  
  
"You really stink as a father. You know that, Julian?" Ivy huffed as she launched a pillow at his head and stomped out of the room.  
  
"Let me know when you're awarded that `Mother of the Year' award, Dear," Julian shouted to her retreating form. "We'll celebrate."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Luis couldn't keep the smile off his face as he watched her. Them.  
  
Brandy's heavy lidded eyes fluttered shut as she twisted fistfuls of Sheridan's robe in her chubby hands and chugged on the bottle of formula.  
  
"What?" Sheridan asked with a tiny smile on her lips, and a bit of an embarrassed blush to her cheeks when she caught him staring.  
  
Brandy's lips relaxed around the nipple of the bottle, and she snored lightly as she snuggled deeper into Sheridan's warm embrace.  
  
"Nothing," Luis murmured.  
  
Sheridan trailed a gentle finger down the baby's cheeks. Across her brow. Raising questioning blue eyes to Luis's face as he rose from his perch across the living room and crept closer. Holding out his arms.  
  
"Here," he whispered. "I'll take her and put her down."  
  
Sheridan brushed her lips across the peach fuzz on the baby's head with a tender smile. "I'm still mad at you, you know," she smirked. "Well...not as mad as I was. But still mad."  
  
"Damn," Luis swore. Pretending to be deeply hurt. "And I thought a cute baby and me looking all sexy in your favorite black boxers would do the trick."  
  
"Luis," Sheridan rolled her blue eyes at him. "Black box...Luis? What black boxers?"  
  
Luis's low rumble of laughter and triumphant, "Officer 1, Wife 0" made her groan. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
  
  
  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Kay demanded explanation, shooting off of Reese's lap and pulling herself up to her full height to give the unwelcome stranger a menacing scowl. "The lost Backstreet Boy?"  
  
"I bet you pride yourself on your clever wit," he grinned at her, stepping down the stairs carefully and stopping right in front of her.  
  
Kay took in the low-slung jeans on his narrow waist and the white tank top that showed off his muscular arms. It wasn't until she looked into his piercing blue-green eyes that the light bulb flickered inside her brain. "So…another long-lost Crane deigns us Harmony hicks with his presence," she scoffed.  
  
"Paris and Barcelona lost their appeal a long time ago," he shrugged his shoulders, moving past her and presenting his hand to Reese, who lounged on the sofa in dumbstruck silence. "I don't think we've met. I'm Crane. Adrian Crane."  
  
"Just what Harmony needs," Kay rolled her dark eyes. "Another male with a James Bond complex."  
  
Reese reached a finger up to push invisible glasses further up his nose and grasped Adrian's hand with his other hand. "Reese Durkee."  
  
"And the amorous Mistress Sarcasm? Your girlfriend?" Adrian asked, smirking in her direction.  
  
"Three months, eighteen days, fifteen hours, ten minutes…"  
  
"Wow!" Adrian whistled in appreciation, cutting Reese's proud proclamation off. "Well…I'll leave you kids ALONE," he said in a stage whisper. "You two haven't…yet…that explains the bitchiness…"  
  
"Come on, Reese," Kay gritted out between clenched teeth, furious at Adrian's insinuation. "Mom's expecting us for dinner."  
  
"Nice meeting you," Reese said politely as Kay dragged him out the front door.  
  
Adrian grinned and plopped down on the disheveled sofa, propping his sneakered feet on the coffee table. "The pleasure's all mine," he laughed to himself. He didn't have her name, but he was certain the mouthy brunette was none other than Aunt Sheridan's Kay.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Ethan, Darling…where is Theresa?" Ivy questioned as she lowered herself to the sofa beside her son.  
  
"She wanted to watch Cook in the kitchen," Ethan frowned.  
  
"Oh," Ivy said with a furrowed brow, then smiled. "How was your day, Darling?"  
  
Ethan's blue eyes lit up as he took his mother's opening and detailed every moment of his day with Theresa, down to exact milliseconds. It was like telling what his day was like at school all over again, and he took the same giddy pleasure in relating it to his mother.  
  
By the time he got to the Book Café incident, Ivy had nodded off, drool dribbling down her chin.  
  
"…and I told her I loved her best. But don't worry, Mother. I had my fingers crossed behind my back. I'll always love you BEST. Mother…Mother?"  
  
Ivy moaned as Ethan shook her shoulder, swatting his hands away. "Dammit, Julian. There isn't enough Viagra in the state of Maine…"  
  
Ethan's brow knit in confusion, and he resumed his gentle shaking. "Mother…Mother, wake up. You missed it. I told you I love you best."  
  
"ETHAN!!!"  
  
Ethan jumped back in fright when an ear-splitting scream left his mother's lips, and she jerked awake, gasping for breath.  
  
Her blue-green eyes slammed shut miserably as she muttered something that made absolutely NO sense to Ethan. "Oh dear God…it wasn't a nightmare."  
  
"Ethan, Ethan, Ethan," Theresa yapped like an over-eager puppy. "Cook's making a cake, and she let me lick the bowl. Here. I brought you the spoon."  
  
Ethan didn't get a chance to respond before his wife practically gagged him with the spoon. "TTThanks," he smiled.  
  
"I'm so thoughtful, aren't I, Ethan?" Theresa bubbled, bouncing into his lap. "Ivy, where are you going?"  
  
"Oh, Theresa," she smiled back at the teen. "I'm going to tell Julian dinner is almost ready. He'll be so thrilled. He's missed you so."  
  
"AAAWWWWW," Theresa cooed. "Ivy, you don't have to do that. I'll go myself so we can spend more quality time together."  
  
"Yes," Ivy had to bite her lip to keep from laughing evilly at the rude awakening that awaited Julian. "Quality time. Take your time, Dear. Cook won't mind serving dinner a little later."  
  
"Okay," Theresa clapped her hands. "Mr. Crane's so lucky to have a wife that's so considerate," she gushed before skipping off for the stairs.  
  
"Theresa! Be…careful," Ethan muttered as those pesky stairs jumped up and hit his beloved bride in the face again.  
  
"It's okay," Theresa hollered, holding a hand to her bleeding nose. "I'm fine!"  
  
Ivy made a mental note. She wondered if companies insured against clumsy family members.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Luis groaned as he felt his wife's bare foot rubbing up and down his calf, and he trapped it between his legs. "Sheridan…"  
  
"What?" she pretended to be clueless. "You have a thing against my feet?" she tried to pout, but ended up laughing as he pulled her warm, naked body atop his.  
  
Luis's hands were restless, traveling up and down her thighs and skimming her sides and breasts as he leaned up to capture her lips with his again. "I love your feet. I love EVERYTHING about you," he said against her lips as she followed him back down to the pillow. "But a man needs more than amazing sex for sustenance if you know what I mean," he teased, tangling his fingers in her messy blond hair and angling his mouth over hers for one last shattering kiss that made her tingle from her head to her toes.  
  
"Pizza?" she mumbled against his neck, draping her body over his and sighing as his hands caressed her back, sweeping lower with each pass.  
  
"No pizza," he said, his laughter rumbling deep within his chest. He smiled into her blue eyes and brushed his lips against her forehead. "I think it's time for another cooking lesson, don't you?"  
  
"Luis," she whined. "You know I'm only good at the easy stuff. Are you really that hungry?"  
  
"Ravenous," he grinned.  
  
"Okay," she huffed, crawling off of him and stuffing her legs into HIS black boxers.  
  
"What am I going to wear?" he laughed, watching her blond head disappear as she pulled on a discarded tee-shirt.  
  
"I, for one, don't see why you can't go au naturelle," she wheedled, wrapping her arms around him when he came to stand in front of her and giving his backside a teasing pinch.  
  
"Aren't you forgetting something? Someone?"  
  
She laughed as she dropped her hands to her sides and walked toward the door. "Luis…she's three months old. And even if she did see SOMETHING…she's a baby. She'll have racy suppressed memories to regale her therapist with when they try to get to the root of her obsession with sexy Latino officers of the law," she teased, ducking away from the pillow he launched at her.  
  
Wouldn't Julian Crane LOVE that, he thought, chuckling to himself as he pulled on a pair of jeans and hurried to follow her.  
  
It'd make for INTERESTING dinner conversation. 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
  
  
Brandy squealed, kicking her chubby legs back and forth in her swing.  
  
A couple of feet in front of her, sprawled out tiredly beside an open, half- empty pizza box, Sheridan and Luis smiled at her enthusiasm.  
  
In the kitchen, evidence of the disastrous cooking lesson still lingered.  
  
By tacit agreement, the clean-up from the fire extinguisher had been put on hold. At least until they'd filled their growling stomachs.  
  
"We really should be more daring." Sheridan murmured, pressing her lips to Luis's collarbone, then tucking her blond head back under his chin.  
  
"Hmm?" Luis wondered lazily.  
  
"Chinese," Sheridan mumbled sleepily. "If I eat one more pizza."  
  
Luis laughed, slipping his hand beneath her tee-shirt to rest it at the small of her back. He smiled when he felt her relax even more fully against him. "You? What about me?" he teased her. "I haven't eaten a decent meal since we got back from our honeymoon, and it's not like we."  
  
"Okay," Sheridan groaned into his neck. "Enough. I get it. You look SO malnutritioned," she said, lifting her head up so that he could see her rolling her eyes at him. "Hmm.what's that? A rib? Luis, you are so right. This is so awful. You're losing muscle tone," she gasped. "Oh my God! And you know I only married you for your body," she said, holding a hand to her mouth.  
  
Luis grinned when she dropped her hand, her mouth opening in a string of silly laughter.  
  
Sheridan smiled against his lips when she dipped her head to kiss him. "You poor baby," she breathed, snuggling close to his side again.  
  
Brandy squealed again, and they both paused to smile and wave at her.  
  
"I didn't marry you for your cooking skills," Luis's voice rumbled deep within his chest.  
  
"You married me in spite of my hideous LACK of them," Sheridan sighed. "Well.that's it. No more cooking lessons."  
  
"What? You're bad, but you're not hopeless," Luis said in the way of protest.  
  
"I meant no more lessons for me and YOU," Sheridan huffed. "In case you haven't noticed Luis.I can't concentrate worth a damn when you're kissing me. All rational thought leaves my brain, I get weak in the knees and wherever else, and I totally forget about the food.the apartment could have burned down earlier, and would I have noticed? NO! Because your hands and your lips and.dammit, Luis. I'll get your mother to teach me how to cook. I'm pretty sure she can keep her hands to herself, and WHY are you laughing at me?"  
  
"Nothing. It's nothing," Luis tried to lie even though he was greatly amused.  
  
"What?" Sheridan pouted, straddling his waist and crossing her arms around her chest while she stared down at him.  
  
"I'm not laughing at you," Luis grinned, squirming when his lovely wife started running her nails up and down his bare chest. "It's.Mama. What you said.it was just a strange picture," he explained, grabbing her hands before they could sneak under the waistband of his jeans.  
  
Sheridan's mouth opened in a wide 'O' of realization just seconds before she burst into hysterical laughter, blushing in embarrassment. "If you repeat one word to Pilar, I'll."  
  
Luis cut off her weak threat with his lips, flattening her against his chest. "There are ways to keep me quiet," he said with a teasing wiggle of his dark brows.  
  
"Not quiet enough," she rolled her blue eyes at him with a playful shove, nodding toward the baby watching them with the closest thing to rapt fascination Luis had ever seen in her blue-green orbs.  
  
"You said it yourself," he said, grasping at straws. "She's three months old. What are the odds she'll even know.Sheridan. Sheridan," he whined in frustration. "Don't leave," he said, grasping her hand as she stood up and tugging her forward for one more kiss. "You're beautiful and sexy.I love you.and did I mention how long it'd been since."  
  
"Oh yeah," she smirked at him as he drew her wrist to his lips and looked up at her with pleading dark eyes. "Celibacy and Luis in the same sentence. Sorry. I'm not buying it," she said, removing her hand from his lips and stooping to pick up the pizza box on the way to the kitchen.  
  
Luis sat up, locking eyes with Julian and Ivy's spawn, his voice hopeful as an idea came to him. "If I cleaned the mess in the kitchen, gave the baby her bath AND put her to bed."  
  
Sheridan closed the refrigerator door and turned to him with an amused grin. "You might have a deal. Luis!" she cried when her husband was on his feet in a flash. Maybe.no. That was ridiculous. "Hurry. But make sure she's fast asleep," she said, laughing. "I'll be waiting."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Kay, Sweetie," Grace Bennett smiled sweetly. "Are you sure you don't want any tomato soup cake? I made sure it had that extra kick," she winked. "Just for you."  
  
Kay smirked when she heard faint gagging noises coming from the woman beside her, but then she remembered.she wasn't supposed to be feeling well. "I'm sure, Mom," she said softly, trying to look as sick as she could.  
  
Piece of cake. Tomato Soup Cake, actually.  
  
"Oh," Grace sighed in disappointment. "Gwen?" she shifted her gaze to Hank's green-gilled wife. "Would you like some more."  
  
Gwen grimaced and pushed the plate Grace waved under her nose away. "I think that extra kick did me in."  
  
"Give it to Miguel," Hank suggested helpfully. "You don't actually EAT Grace's cooking," Hank told his wife as soon as Grace left, intent on pawning off the rest of the dreadful cake on Charity's lovesick puppy.  
  
"Uncle Hank is right," Jessica agreed.  
  
"Then what do you do with it?" Gwen wondered. It had LOOKED like everyone had cleared their plates. What had she missed?  
  
Reese shrugged, his finger going to his nose to push up those imaginary glasses of his again. "Hide it in your napkin."  
  
"Dump it on Miguel's plate while he's making googly eyes at Charity," Kay said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Keep Grace as distracted as possible."  
  
Gwen blinked in astonishment to realize that last suggestion had come straight from Sam Bennett's lips. "Oookay," she said slowly, suddenly wanting to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. She could not believe that ANYONE had survived two days of Grace's dreadful culinary 'skills' much less almost two decades. She knew she wasn't going to last much longer before she did something drastic. She wasn't sure what yet. Something. Anything to keep the woman far, far, far away from the kitchen. "She doesn't notice all the food in the trash?"  
  
"Nope," Hank grinned goofily at her.  
  
"Tabitha comes by and gets the scraps for her cat Fluffy," Jessica said, frowning as she added, "Poor cat."  
  
"Have you seen that thing?" Kay muttered. "Poor cat? Riiiiight. He obviously appreciates Mom's cooking more than we do."  
  
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute," Gwen shook her head. "WHAT do you eat? How do you."  
  
"Well, I happily rely on my beautiful, loaded wife to support all my needs," Hank joked. Or at least he tried to play it off as joking.  
  
Kay, Gwen, Reese.everyone knew Hank was only half-joking.  
  
Yeah. Uncle Hank was and always had been a freeloader. A charming freeloader, but a freeloader all the same. Luckily, Gwen didn't seem to care too much. Like Uncle Hank said.she WAS most definitely loaded.  
  
"The Book Café." Jessica answered.  
  
"Used to be Miguel's for me," Kay admitted, "but now McDonald's will do in a pinch."  
  
"Lobster Shack," Sam said absently. "Does anybody want to go to the Lobster Shack?" he suddenly asked, rubbing his grumbling stomach.  
  
"I'm game," Hank grinned, hopping off the arm of the sofa and tugging his wife to her feet.  
  
Jessica giggled.  
  
It was only a couple of inches, but still.Gwen being taller than Uncle Hank without shoes on was still amusing to her.  
  
"What about."  
  
"Mom?" Kay answered Gwen. "She's in her own little world. Trust me. She won't even notice we're gone with Aunt Faith and Charity and Miguel here with her. Don't you want to hear all about the torture I inflicted on Sheridan today?" Kay grinned devilishly. "Geez. Three months of the Sex-a- thon, and those two are still going at it. Is Luis really THAT good?" "Luis? What about Luis?" Sam asked his daughter as he stuffed his wallet in his back pants pocket.  
  
Gwen bit her lip to keep from laughing and ducked her blond head.  
  
"Nothing, Dad. I was telling Gwen how good a cop Luis is."  
  
"He did nail the perp that assaulted that little old lady in the Book Café today," Sam said appreciatively.  
  
"Did I tell you what the Lethal Weapon did today?" Kay turned to Gwen, bursting at the seams.  
  
"Lethal Weapon?" Sam wondered as they tiptoed out the front door and crept down the sidewalk.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Adrian leaned back in his chair, eyeing the bubbly brunette across the table from him, attacking her piece of chocolate cake with child-like gusto.  
  
At the head of the table, Julian clenched his fist around his glass of water, sweat beading his forehead as he concentrated intensely. Imagining the water magically turning into a glass of scotch. Maybe on the rocks. At this hellacious point, he didn't give a damn. He'd be giddy if he had the tiniest drop of alcohol on his tongue.  
  
Life in the Crane Mansion had never been a cakewalk stone cold drunk. Sober with Ethan's young bride under the same roof? Dear, Merciful God in Heaven have PITY on his poor soul.  
  
Ivy watched, fascinated as Theresa picked the piece of chocolate cake up between her fingers and wedged it into her mouth, licking icing off each and every finger.  
  
"It's so nice to finally meet you, Adrian," Theresa turned her full attention on Ethan's younger, admittedly attractive brother.  
  
Adrian smirked when she offered him a smile, revealing chocolate-darkened teeth. "Nice to meet you too. You must really like chocolate cake," he noted.  
  
"I LOVE IT!" Theresa bubbled, bouncing in her chair.  
  
Ethan stared back at Adrian with his usual, bored expression.  
  
"Tell me about yourself, Theresa. Ethan's letters haven't done you justice."  
  
"Okay," Theresa agreed. "How about Twenty Questions?"  
  
Adrian arched a dark brow at her. "Whatever you want."  
  
Theresa's big brown eyes darted back and forth as she tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I'm trying to think of a really good question.the perfect question that will tell me all about you."  
  
"This should take a while," Julian muttered.  
  
"I can't think of anything," Theresa whined.  
  
"Imagine you're Barbara Walters, Dear," Ivy suggested dryly. Looking at Julian questioningly when he started to choke. "Julian, are you okay?"  
  
"Fine," Julian barked. "Actually," he said, seizing what would most likely be his ONLY opportunity to escape the entire evening. "If you would excuse me."  
  
"I know!" Theresa exclaimed. "Backstreet Boys or NSYNC?"  
  
"Who?" Adrian decided it'd be fun to toy with Ethan's latest pet.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Theresa shrieked, going deathly pale. "You don't know who they are? Ethan, your brother doesn't know who the Backstreet Boys OR NSYNC are!" she screamed.  
  
Julian winced. He could swear he saw a crack splintering down his wine glass.  
  
"Should I know them?" Adrian pretended total innocence.  
  
Theresa started shaking, clutching her hand to her mouth in horrified silence, huge tears welling up in her brown eyes.  
  
Ivy sighed, throwing her napkin down on the table as Ethan tried to calm his wife and her other son looked on with the devil's mischief sparkling in his eyes. Her son, she thought proudly.  
  
Adrian shook his dark head in slight disbelief.  
  
This chick was a trip and ripe for mocking.  
  
Harmony was looking better by the minute. 


	7. Chapters 7 & 8

Chapter 7  
  
  
  
Crawling through the early morning traffic in downtown Harmony with a fussy three-month old strapped into the backseat in a carseat, Sheridan came to a realization.  
  
Convertibles, even sporty red convertibles like hers, weren't exactly made for parents.  
  
Not that she WAS a parent.  
  
It was just a fleeting thought, and she mentally reminded herself to check on a more family friendly car when the opportunity presented itself again.  
  
The Mansion loomed high on the hill, and Sheridan had to wonder if it were mere coincidence that Brandy's discontented wails increased triple-fold the closer the car crept.  
  
"SHERIDAN! SHERIDAN, GUESS WHAT?!" Theresa descended on them exuberantly. "I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!"  
  
Mystery solved, Sheridan thought, biting her lip at Pilar's frazzled expression at such an early hour. She unbuckled her screaming niece and cradled her restless, chubby body close, humming a lullaby she remembered vaguely from her own childhood to soothe her.  
  
Brandy hiccuped, flailing her little arms and latching her plump little fingers onto the gold hoops in Sheridan's ears as she rubbed her tear- streaked little face against Sheridan's cheek and gave her gummy baby kisses. Sheridan winced at the slight pain caused by Brandy's tugging fists but smiled at the kisses, despite the guarantee her make-up was pretty much ruined.  
  
Pilar gently disentangled the baby girl's fingers and took her from Sheridan's arms with a motherly smile. "I hope she wasn't too much trouble, Mija," she said, smoothing a hand over the peach fuzz covering the Brandy's head. "Mrs. Crane is inside. She wants you to personally see Mr. Adrian to school."  
  
"No trouble at all, Pilar," Sheridan gave her mother-in-law/surrogate mother a fond smile. Is Adrian actually out of bed this early?"  
  
"Sheridan," Theresa tugged insistently on Sheridan's arm. "What about me? What about my news? Mr. and Mrs. Crane told me they'd send me to any college I wanted. Free. Isn't that wonderful, Sheridan? It'd be so neat to go to the same college Ethan did," Theresa sighed dreamily.  
  
"Harvard?" Sheridan coughed, covering up the strangled laugh of disbelief that threatened to burst forth from her aching lungs. It was almost too much to keep it in.  
  
"Hair!" Theresa exclaimed. "I love doing hair. See?" Theresa bubbled, inclining her head to the side to show off the wacky little braids woven through her thick dark tresses. "And I'm good at it, too. Whitney says I should be an expert on hair with as much time as I like to spend in front of the mirror."  
  
Sometimes, a little bit of Theresa's special brand of tunnel vision wouldn't be all that bad, Sheridan decided with a small smile. The girl never heard any disparaging words. Not because there weren't any, but because she literally took and twisted everything said to her as a compliment. "Theresa, if you want to be a hair dresser, you can take classes here in Harmony."  
  
"Nonsense, Dear Sister," Julian gave the empty brandy tumbler in his hand one last wistful glance before setting it down. "Part of the appeal of college is the novelty of being AWAY from home, preferably FAR AWAY."  
  
"Say good morning to your daughter, Mr. Crane," Pilar said, thrusting the squirming baby into Julian's arms without warning. Ivy and Julian had nothing on her with their mansion of a thousand rooms. If she could survive 18 years in much closer quarters with her daughter.  
  
"I can't leave you and Mrs. Crane by yourselves," Theresa cried, latching onto Julian's free arm and refusing to let go. "Can I hold her, Mr. Crane? Can I, can I?" Theresa looked up at Julian with enormous doe eyes. "Come to Aunt Theresa, Brandy. Come on," Theresa clapped her hands excitedly.  
  
The corners of Brandy's mouth turned downward, and panicked tears puddled in her big blue-green eyes. When Julian held his daughter out to relinquish her to Theresa, she released a single, high-pitched scream.  
  
Some long-buried paternal instinct told Julian to hold his daughter close, and Sheridan watched her brother awkwardly pat her niece's tiny back in amazement.  
  
"Aww, poor wittle baby," Theresa cooed, stretching her arms out once more.  
  
Sheridan and Pilar braced themselves as Julian carefully handed Brandy over, and the infant did not disappoint.  
  
Brandy's screams reverberated through every room in the Mansion, bringing Ivy running and Adrian strolling out of the kitchen with a smirk on his undeniably Crane face.  
  
"So this is the surprise the stork left on our door step," Adrian grinned, giving his baby sister's angrily bunched up fist a quick squeeze as he stood behind Theresa. "I can tell we're going to get along just fine. I'm ready when you are, Aunt Sheridan. You look tired. Married life wearing you out?"  
  
"Adrian!" Ivy scolded, grimacing in disgust when Brandy decided to give more than just voice to her displeasure and emptied the contents of her breakfast all over Theresa's face, neck, and the SpongeBob SquarePants pajamas she still wore.  
  
"Mama!" Theresa shrieked in horror, passing Brandy off like a football to Ivy as she ran to her own mother for help. "She.she.this is ssssssssssooooooo gross, Mama. Get it off. Get it off!" her voice rose frantically with each syllable.  
  
Adrian lowered his head, snickering as Pilar took Theresa's arm and led her away with a heavy sigh.  
  
"Dear God," Julian shuddered as his infant daughter continued to wail in Ivy's arms. "Cosmetology classes in Harmony, Dear Sister? I think NOT," he huffed, dismissing himself stiffly from their company.  
  
"Thank you for watching her, Sheridan," Ivy smiled gratefully, looking harried as she searched for Pilar out of the corner of her eyes when nothing she did seemed to calm her daughter's tears. "Shhh, Darling. Aunt Theresa."  
  
Brandy started shrieking again, much to Ivy's horror.  
  
"Mother," Adrian hissed slyly. "Don't say the T-word. You're scaring my little sister."  
  
Sheridan's blue eyes danced as she shook her head at her nephew.  
  
What did you get when you mixed one infant with a volatile temper, a girl playing the ultimate game of house with her beloved, slow-witted nephew Ethan, her recovering alcoholic brother and his 'loving' wife with one teenager boy with a devil-may-care attitude?  
  
All the ingredients for a disaster that could very well obliterate the entire Eastern seaboard.  
  
Ivy readily surrendered Brandy to Sheridan's open arms, dropping to an exhausted heap at the foot of the winding staircase. "Adrian," she said, her tone incredulous, as she got her first good look at her son. "What on earth are you wearing? You look like a vagrant."  
  
"What do you think, Teach?" Adrian interrupted his mother, not passing up the opportunity to tease his aunt at the same time. "Am I in accordance with the Harmony High dress code?"  
  
Sheridan's blue eyes took in the pair of low-slung jeans that had always been Adrian's uniform away from boarding school and the un-tucked, rumpled gray tee-shirt that looked like it'd seen better days. He looked like her average student, except his jeans were designer and that tee-shirt.high- dollar as tee-shirts went. "He looks fine, Ivy," Sheridan reassured her sister-in-law as she rubbed Brandy's tummy and hummed softly against the crown of her downy head. She smiled when she felt the baby droop sleepily against her.  
  
"We have maids to iron our clothes, Adrian," Ivy's lips twisted in distaste, even as the words died in her throat. Obviously, her son wasn't listening. She looked up to Sheridan, shocked to find her cradling her now- dozing daughter in her arms. "Sheridan.how?"  
  
"She liked it when Luis rubbed her stomach so I didn't think there was much harm in trying. It puts her to sleep when she's tired or cranky almost every time," Sheridan whispered, transferring her precious cargo to Ivy's arms.  
  
"Are you sure you can't take her to school with you?" Ivy asked hopefully.  
  
"Where's a nanny when you need one? Right, Mother?" Adrian rolled his eyes at his own mother's uncertainty with how to deal with a baby. Her own baby. He softened the blow of his off-hand comment with a reluctant kiss to her cheek. "Goodbye, Mother. Sorry I can't stay and enjoy the family fun," he said, giving her one last smirk as he sauntered out the front door.  
  
Sheridan laughed when she realized he'd somehow pick-pocketed her car keys. "Adrian," she muttered, waving goodbye as she hurriedly backed out the front door after him. "Adrian, no," she shook her head as she saw him behind the wheel of her car, her favorite car.  
  
"Come on, Aunt Sheridan," Adrian grinned as he put on his shades. "We're late. What harm will one turn behind the wheel of this beauty do? Where's the trust?"  
  
They WERE too late to argue so Sheridan pulled the passenger side door open and yanked her seat belt tight over her hips and shoulder. Where was the trust? Back there with her stomach and common sense, she thought, clenching her eyes shut tight against the wind as the convertible whizzed down the hill and lurched onto the street to traffic ticket hell.  
  
This was her one good Samaritan act of the day.  
  
What harm, her ass.  
  
  
  
Chapter 8  
  
  
  
"Open your eyes, Aunt Sheridan, so you can see the view!" Adrian shouted over the dull roar of the wind as the convertible sped down Coast Road.  
  
Sheridan peeked one blue eye open and quickly re-shut it, clenching the dashboard with white-knuckled hands and attempting to put her head between her knees. "The only thing I see is my entire life.flashing before my eyes," she choked out, snapping her head up as the car swerved sharply to the left. "Adrian, sslllooo.Oh my God, you nearly hit those kids crossing the street!"  
  
"What's that Pilar was always telling us? Always look both ways before you cross the street?" Adrian smirked at his deathly pale aunt, racing beneath the traffic light just seconds before it turned red.  
  
"I mean it, Adrian," Sheridan tried to muster up her most threatening voice. "Slow down before you get us killed or."  
  
She groaned as the wails of a police siren reached her ears and slid further down into her seat. "Pull over. Just pull over before you make it worse," she hissed, hiding her face in the crook of her arm as the car finally, mercifully, slowed to a stop.  
  
Adrian pulled his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, watching the approach of one very pissed-looking Harmony police officer in the reflection of the rear-view mirror. His hand slammed down on the horn when he heard the man's voice directly in his ear and his aunt Sheridan's answering moan. "What do you know? They weren't lying. Objects in mirror ARE closer than they appear."  
  
"Adrian!" Sheridan snapped. Her nephew was such a smartass. She hid her face behind her hand and turned her body toward the door, unable to meet Luis's piercing dark eyes. Of the entire Harmony police force, why oh why did her own husband have to pull them over?  
  
"Adrian? Sheridan, is this your." Luis trailed off, tucking his ticket pad in his back pocket and extending a hand to the young man so gleefully enjoying his wife's mortification. "I'm Luis. Your aunt's."  
  
"Uncle Luis!" Adrian grinned, giving Luis's hand a firm shake and marveling at the nice pink-purple flush that adorned his aunt's cheeks. "Crane. Adrian Crane. I've heard so much about you."  
  
Luis pulled his pad back out of his pocket, his pen poised above it. "Adrian, did you realize you were going 70 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone?"  
  
Adrian slid his sunglasses back up his nose to hide the devilish twinkle in his blue-green eyes. "You're kidding, right? I thought I was going 90. Aunt Sheridan, I think there's something wrong with your speedometer."  
  
A muscle in Luis's jaw twitched as he scribbled a few notes on paper. "And you don't have your driver's license."  
  
"No, Sir," Adrian admitted. Aunt Sheridan's Luis bore a striking resemblance to Robocop at that moment. "It got revoked months ago. But don't worry, Uncle Luis," Adrian placated, tongue firmly in cheek. "That wasn't my fault. I can handle a car. Aunt Sheridan taught me everything she knows. Right, Aunt Sheridan? Aunt Sheridan? Are you sure you're okay? You're looking a little."  
  
Sheridan pushed the passenger door open, scrambling outside and leaning forward, hands on knees.  
  
Hello, Damsel in Distress. Here comes your Knight in Shining Armor, Adrian thought, rolling his eyes when Robocop forgot everything else to rush to her side.  
  
Love was sickeningly sweet.  
  
Or just plain sickening, Adrian amended, grimacing as he watched his aunt lose her breakfast all over her husband's shoes.  
  
Now they were never going to make it to homeroom.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Late on the 2nd day? This is a new record for you, Katherine," Principal Reid mused dryly, giving her appearance a brief second glance.  
  
"Kay," Kay gritted out between clenched teeth as she patted down her wild dark hair and scowled at the brand new hole in her jeans. "It's Kay, and I was nearly killed this morning, Principal Reid, by a maniac in a red convertible. Do you really think I'd leave my house looking like this?"  
  
"I wasn't born yesterday, Katherine. Excessive tardies will land you in detention. I suggest you go to bed earlier instead of keeping hours like a vampire. Hurry along before you're late for 1st period too," Principal Reid suggested, lumbering back toward his office.  
  
"Vampire hours? Excessive tardies? Detention," Kay muttered as she hobbled out of the office and into the hall. "Hey! Are you blind? Watch where you're going," she grumbled, not even looking up from her unexcused tardy slip. "This town is full of psychos and half-wit idiots. This wouldn't have happened if Mom hadn't spent all my car money on Pollyanna and the Bobbing Head."  
  
"If my brother's wife's friends live within a 100-mile radius, it doesn't bode well for this town's collective intelligence level," Adrian mused.  
  
"You," Kay groaned, rolling her dark eyes as she tried to hobble forward at a faster speed and put some distance between them.  
  
"You have such a lovely disposition," Adrian smirked, easily catching up with her. "I don't suppose you'd care to help me out. Aunt Sheridan was supposed to show me where her homeroom is, but she's otherwise engaged." Praying to the porcelain god, Adrian thought with a chuckle, remembering the completely horrified expression on Luis's face just moments after.this morning's incident.  
  
"No, you're not.does nobody up there like me?" Kay whined, raising her eyes to the heavens. "Anybody?"  
  
"Thanks for your help," Adrian gave her an overly-friendly slap on the back, deciding to follow his instincts and the racket further down the hall. "I think I can manage it on my own."  
  
Kay crumpled up the tardy slip in her hand and tossed it at the trash can. Missing by a mile, of course. Great. Principal Reid could add littering school property to her list of offenses. "How can I be late if she's not even in there?"  
  
Sometimes life just, well.sucked. 


End file.
